This Beautiful Life

Foreword:

This is not my first blog. I've been blogging since I was 12. (I think. I lost track. Maybe before that, maybe after, I don't know.)

It's pretty pathetic, but I have a bad habit of changing my blog. And I can't just change the title. No. Gotta change the whole thing.

Actually, this is the first blog I've had that's not utterly privatized. And I'm hoping I don't get the urge to change to a new one in a year or so.

For more information about this, check the "About this Blog" page.

I've had this song stuck in my head all year. Well, not the whole song; it's a song I've been piecing together for a long time. A line scribbled here in my sermon notes, another on a computer post-it note, a few in my story notebook. One time I sat down and collected all of the scribbles. There are actually a few songs there waiting to be written. I just can't make sense of most of them.

The one that's most often in my thoughts is about moments. I'm not sure how it started out. Maybe something a preacher said, maybe an idea that just came to me in the middle of one of my deep thinking sessions. Slowly, bit by bit, the words are falling into place. Usually in church. Something will be said that reminds me of this song and I'll write it down, wondering how it will fit.

The idea behind the song is personal. This past year, I've taken time to step back and evaluate my life. Looking back on my 17 years, I feel regret for the time I've wasted in useless, temporal things. My priorities have gradually gotten out of order.

This song has risen out of this struggle to make my life worth something. And not something great by man's measures; something great for God. It's not about living my life for Him. I've come to think of it as living every moment for Him.

(The song isn't finished yet. One day it will come together. One day the words will fall into place. When it's finally done, I'll share it here.)

I've developed a different perspective for looking at life. I'm starting to dig deeper. Rather than the whole picture, I'm looking at every thread. Now I think of the moments. Every moment is another opportunity to do something for God. Every second can be spent in so many ways. We forget about the seconds, the quiet hours, the single moments right in the midst of our crazy lives, and how each one can be a turning point. At each moment we have choices to make. How will we spend this precious life we've been given.

It sounds elementary, but think about this: this is the only life we have. This is it. No second chances. I know I tend to live in a fantasy world. My mind goes high above reality. This isn't a video game where you can pause, or restart, or get another life when you make a mistake. There will be opportunities that come along that you may only get once. We have to be right in the middle of reality, doing what we know is right, so we don't miss them.

This has been a growing year for me. Anyone who read my past blog knows one of the things at the forefront of my mind has been growing up. It's a strange notion, and a scary undertaking. I don't want to mess it up. I'm standing at a crossroads in my life, and the choices I make now are big ones. A hundred paths are laid out before me. I can't see where they will go. They are made up of millions of moments, countless opportunities and choices. How I spend those determines where I will go. How I spend my life is determined on how I live now. What I'm doing, where I'm at.... No matter how much I dream about where I want to go, what I want to do, I'm not going to just wake up one morning and find myself there. This isn't a fairytale. I have to choose wisely and do what's right in every moment if I want to get there. Otherwise I'll look back and not only wonder where my life has gone, but I'll see how all those threads wove together and I'll feel regret for how I wasted my time.

I want to look back and see a beautiful tapestry. Dark and light, color and shadow, pain and joy all weaving together, but strongly, because I was determined to live well in every moment. When I stand on the edge of eternity and look back at my life, I want to know, to see, that I didn't waste it. I want to deserve my "Well done". I want to be found faithful and true.

Sorry if this all seems like babbling. That's kind of how I blog. It's just my thoughts pouring out, my heart on the page for all to see in hopes that it rings true with somebody else. This blog is where I highlight some of those threads for others to share. It's a tangible record of my life, in all the ups and downs. It's a way for me to keep a clear perspective and appreciate this life I have been given. Sometimes I don't know what I want to say, so I have to write to sort out my thoughts. It's a confusing mess, but a beautiful one. Sometimes it might just be a story, or a song, or a moment I want to capture. It all blends together into my life. Every piece is a part of who I am and who I'm growing up to be. I step back and feel...breathless. Thank God for this beautiful life.