I was going to pop on and do a quick recap of my eventful week, but something came to mind during church today and I decided to save the dull recap for another day and ramble for a bit instead. You've been warned.
Okay, where to start....
Well, we had a "guest speaker" in Teen Church today, because our youth pastor is out of town (the "guest speaker" being a man from our church who has some kids in the youth group). The speaker, Mr. Haught, likes audience participation when he preaches, or at least when he preaches to the youth group. He usually asks for a show of hands or input on whatever subject he's preaching on. Today was about serving Christ, and he started by asking some of the kids what they are thinking of doing when they grow up (and on that note, I think I'm finally figuring that out for myself!). A little while later, he asked one of the boys to give his salvation testimony. First "How old were you?" and then "Explain what you did" and then "Why did you do that?". The answer to the last question was, "Because I didn't want to go to Hell."
Bro. Haught agreed to that for his motivation to seek salvation. Thinking about it, it seems when people give their testimony, typically they say they got saved because they feared Hell.
Here's where my thoughts become a little incoherent.
I have a tendency to get distracted and start mentally wandering from the subject at hand when struck by thoughts relating to that subject. (See? Incoherent.)
Let me try that again.
Usually in church services, when something is said in passing that piques my interest, sometimes my mind wanders away from the actual subject in pursuit of that one little idea.
That happened today, and the result of that long mental amble is this blog post.
My mind went back to the day I got saved (March 28th, 2004). I can't say my motivation was a fear of Hell. Hell wasn't anywhere on my mind. I don't even know what started it, just that I had this inconsolable, indefinable fear come over me. I felt restless and nervous and completely undone. The only solution in my young mind was that I needed God.
I didn't get saved to avoid Hell (well, not just to avoid Hell). I got saved because I felt lost and alone and without hope. God was the light in that fearful darkness and I ran to Him. Often still I'm overcome with feelings of hopelessness, but now my heart has a refuge. I turn to God, and I find peace. The only way to truly know peace is through God.
Now my thoughts are a bit jumbled.
The note I scribbled in my notebook during the sermon to define this train of thought was "is it possible to get saved for a purpose outside of not going to Hell?"
I don't know why, but that thought struck me as profound. When a person is witnessing, typically they say that we need God's salvation because it saves us from Hell. And that is one of the reasons. But salvation also brings peace and hope, and it shows us what true love feels like, and it fills that gap in our souls where God belonged before sin came in. Another thing I wrote was "salvation is more than heaven". It's about more than the simple fact of where we spend eternity. It's about how we spend this life.
Okay, I'm going to jump subjects and slowly bring two thoughts together.
Mom spent three weeks in Peru, and then spent a week in Mexico with Dad with only one week between trips. A bunch of people at church teasingly ask how long they'll be home before going to another country. One man suggested with a smile that we put a curfew on them so they don't leave soon.
I passed this comment on to Dad, and he said, "I wonder if they realize that if we aren't going anywhere it means were out of God's will."
This new direction our life as a family is taking has really begun to impact me and define my vision of the future. Like I've said before, this has been a growing year for me in all aspects: mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. (Yeah, not physically. I'm now the shortest in my family.) My dreams have started to change and become more than vague images. They've started to take shape. I still can't see the road that leads to them, but I'm confident that if I keep moving forward like I know I should, I'll eventually get there.
As I mentioned earlier, I'm starting to figure out what exactly I want to do, and my parents' new ministry and helped me determine that. For a while I thought that when I stood up in front of the church at the graduation ceremony next year, I'd be saying something like "I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up." But when the question was posed to me during lunch with a friend last week, I was surprised to learn that I had a ready answer. Still a bit vague, but an answer. I've only ever been able to speculate before now.
All of a sudden it's hit me. In the past few months I've mulled over it subconsciously, and it seems like just this past week or so I was able to clearly say what I want to do. (I know. The suspense is killing you, right?)
However, like giving a description of my current writing project, it's difficult to put into words. Let's see....
Something along the lines of missions support combined with world travel. For a while missions work has been near the top of my "ways to spend my life" list, but I've also developed a passion for world travel, because I want to get to know more about the world I live in than this little corner of it. And then I also want to use my writing abilities in some way. So I have this vision of follow Mom and Dad in visiting, to begin with, the missionaries supported by our church and helping them in their work, learning about the country they live in, and using writing to help those back home get an idea for what they do.
Yeah, like I said, that whole vision of the future is still a big foggy, but I'm getting there.
Here's where those two seemingly unrelated and rather incoherent thoughts are combined.
My dreams used to be very self-centered. I considered every course of life that held some interest for me, yet they all seemed rather empty and vain. Through this year my vision has changed. I can almost look back and trace the change. It's no longer what I want to do for myself, but what I want to do for God. When I consider how He changed my life, how can I go on living as if nothing has changed?
I can just imagine people muttering that I'm wasting my gift using it for missions, or that any of the great young people I know are wasting their talents and dreams giving them to God. But how is it a waste giving my life to God, using the talents He gave me for His work? I hope people stop and wonder why I'm doing it. I want my whole life to be a testimony to the greatness of God, whether I end up across the world helping a missionary (or being a missionary myself) or live my whole life right here writing books or running a cafe or teaching kids how to ride horses. Wherever God takes me, I can have peace knowing I'm giving my all for Him and I'm right where He wants me.
On that note.... While Mom and Dad were gone, I had people frequently come up and ask me how I was doing. I don't know if I looked worse than I felt, or maybe they didn't even mean it like I took it, but a few looked at me seriously and said, "Really?" when I answered that I was doing good. Maybe I was over thinking it or reading into it too much (I tend to do that), but it seemed like they were...disappointed?...that I was feeling perfectly fine even though my parents were both gone in another country. But it didn't bother me. In light of Dad's response to that comment about giving Mom and Dad a curfew, I can agree that I wasn't at all worried because I knew in my heart they were off doing what God has led them to do. Why should I worry? I'm so thankful for the ease of mind God gave me while they were far away doing His work.
So that's almost what was on my mind today. Why is it so easy to form the thought but so difficult to get it out and make sense? Moreover, why does it take so long for me to finally get the thought out? Maybe with some practice (and a more regular blogging schedule!) I'll learn how to share what's on my heart without all of the rambling.
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